OCD and the Morning Blindside

by Matt B. on March 30, 2015

OCD attacks first thing in the morning – before I have a chance to realize that I haven’t done anything wrong. In my grogginess, sounds and sensations – and above all, feelings – are heightened, unfiltered. You should have remembered not to grip the pill bottle at that angle; you’re gonna fuck up your fingers. No, don’t compensate – just pick up your toothbrush normally. What’s normal? Like this? More pressure – like this? And wait – is the bathroom door open a crack? Why, Matt?! You’ll disturb N’s sleep, after you’ve resolved not to a thousand times.

Sometimes it takes leaving the house – getting out into the street, seeing other people, having room to swing around a little – before I realize that this entire sequence happened to me. I didn’t do anything wrong; I just woke up.

Seeing this makes the whole thing much easier to bear. Once I can glimpse the possibility that this was all just a bunch of thoughts – that none of this happened, so to speak – I don’t feel nearly as trapped. Because we all have our crosses, our bugaboos, our waking terrors; we all stumble around private minefields. Mine just happen to look like this.

And this isn’t all there is to look at – not nearly.

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